Inadequate

By David Van Diest

Bestselling author Bob Goff was recently asked to write his autobiography in six words, and he responded, “What if we weren’t afraid?” For all those geeks out there counting the words and saying, “That’s only five words” … well, that’s true unless you take into account the contraction “weren’t” as being short for “were not.” But, that’s not the point.

What if we weren’t afraid? What would we do if we didn’t let fear hold us back from doing things? What if fear didn’t hold us back from admitting our weaknesses? What could we do if we were unafraid of outcomes? What would happen if we were honest about our shortcomings? How many things would we realize we like or we are good at if we just gave it a try free from the expectations of being excellent?

No, I’m not talking about risky behavior where someone puts life and limb on the line. There are real existential threats to one’s survival that should cause us to be afraid. That’s the way we were designed. But that’s not what holds most of us back most of the time. There was a survey done years ago which asked people what their biggest fear was. If you think death was the number one on the list, you would be wrong. What respondents overwhelmingly choose as their number one, biggest fear was … wait for it … public speaking. I can’t remember the last time a person giving a speech was beaten or killed. That’s not to say it hasn’t happened, but the chances today of that happening are nearly non-existent. But that’s not the point.

Gone are the days where our biggest fears fall within Maslow’s base needs of food, water, warmth, rest, shelter, etc. How frequently in your day-to-day do you encounter people in danger of not having enough food or water, being killed by predators, becoming homeless because of marauding gangs who roam around raping, pillaging, and burning, being ravaged by disease, etc.? Those aren’t typically our most present fears.

What’s holding most of us back today are things like fear of rejection, losing our fancy stuff (especially our devices), being made fun of, being ridiculed by thoughtless jerks, and for guys especially: being exposed as a fraud or being discovered as inadequate and incompetent.

So, today I’m going to focus on the biggest fears for guys. For guys, and the women who love them, here’s a window into our fears:

Recently I had lunch with a gentleman who, until a few years ago, had served ten years as the men’s ministry leader at a relatively large church in the Portland area. I asked him what he felt was the biggest obstacle for guys today. Without hesitation he responded something like, “Guys fear being revealed as a fraud. They fear being exposed as having struggles, or not being capable.” He went on to explain that if a guy feels inadequate, he will avoid, shrink back, lie or exaggerate about his capability hoping no one will find out the truth. Or, he find some addictive coping mechanism to distract himself like taking drugs, drinking, gambling, computer gaming, unwanted sexual behavior, etc.

About 15 years ago a friend of mine momentarily lost his mind and agreed to help me put trusses (engineered framing that supports the roof of a structure) on a new addition my wife and I were building. Both of us had done a bit of construction in our younger days, but neither could be considered experienced or competent at setting trusses. In nearly every endeavor I find myself, my first inclination is to pretend I am more experienced, capable, or competent than I actually am. Related side-note: This is why guys rarely ask for directions.

So, I was prepared to act more competent at setting trusses than I actually was. As the truck loaded with trusses backed down our driveway, my friend ran over, hopped on the running board of the truck, and asked the driver, “So, do you consider yourself a patient man?” I’m thinking: Holy cow, what are you doing? You’re exposing our ineptitude to this guy. The truck driver laughed at my friend’s question… I’m sure he’d seen our kind before: the weekend, do-it-yourselfer, but he’d probably never heard such an admission of inadequacy from a guy before. And he probably had dozens of memorable stories of less-than-capable guys pretending to be competent. My friend went on to explain that neither of us had much experience in setting trusses and would likely need some coaching. The driver laughed again and agreed to help us through the process.

While I didn’t recognize it at the time, my friend’s admission was our ticket to freedom.

His confession allowed the driver to generously extend his expertise, which he willingly, generously, and joyfully did. While I was headed toward acting as if I was competent, my friend was freeing both of us up from the expectation that we’ve got our sh*t together. He was freeing us from acting like we know what we’re doing. Admittedly, at that moment I had mixed emotions: embarrassed at the revelation of my inadequacy, but was strangely comforted by the notion that I no longer had to pretend.

While my fear didn’t hold me back from trying to tackle a task I was inadequate for, it did keep me from admitting my insufficiencies. But even so, there are countless times where fear has kept me from trying something… fear of being exposed as inadequate or incompetent. Fear of being a fraud. And it’s these kinds of fears that keep guys in addictions like pornography, alcohol, or gambling. They run to them to soothe their anxieties and distract them from their fears, but they get trapped in these addictions because they can’t reveal the fact that they struggle.

What if we weren’t afraid of being inadequate?

It would free us to live within realistic expectations and allow others to come along side and generously offer the needed assistance and the expertise we lack. It would free us to be bold and try something we’re not sure we can accomplish. It would free us to enjoy the journey and not just the destination.

Here’s some advice for women who love their man: encourage him to try. Tell him you believe in him. And if he doesn’t succeed, make sure he knows how much you appreciate his effort. Encouragement like, “Thanks for giving it a try,” “You really gave it your all,” “Good job,” “I appreciate your effort,” “That took some balls to try that!” There’s nothing more crippling to a man than to have the woman who is most important to him belittle him.

Now for men reading this, step into your fear. It doesn’t have to be a huge leap. Initially, it may be just a small step of trusting someone with a bit of your inadequacy. It may be trying something small you’ve thought about doing but couldn’t because of lingering doubts. Finally, let’s create a new mantra for ourselves. One that goes like this: “Yes, I’m inadequate at some things, but I’m not going to let fear hold me back. I’m going to give it a shot … and where I’m inadequate, maybe you (or someone) can help!”

That’s a win, win. Now, go conquer the world!

David Van Diest has his master's degree in counseling from Multnomah University and is an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) Intern in Gresham Oregon, a suburb of Portland. He focuses on counseling men through addictions, anxiety, life transitions, men's issues, parenting & family, etc. To contact David, email him at davidvandiest@gmail.com or visit www.davidvandiest.com.