By David Van Diest
There is no pain
You are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb
Pink Floyd
On a regular basis, I join five to six other therapists to discuss clients on whom we’re wanting input from other counselors. Many minds often come up with creative solutions. Throughout the meeting, a few will have the opportunity share about a particularly difficult client. The process includes describing the client – age, race, gender, life situation, presenting problem, etc. – all in keeping within the boundaries of confidentiality.
A month back, one therapist explained she was having challenges working with a white, single, male client in his late 20’s who said he doesn’t care about anything – that he is emotionless toward life, ambivalent, and often numb to circumstances. With frustration, she explained that she, “…had been meeting with him for nearly six months and really hadn’t made any progress.” After she finished, I commented that in my experience there’s no one who is truly numb, ambivalent, or emotionless, but only individuals who have created a cushion, or insulation, to distance themselves from pain, anxiety, fear, or hurt.
Throughout my time working with individuals, and in my more recent time as a therapist, I’ve encountered numerous people who have become numb to life. They typically live life in a very narrow range of emotion, which is nearly always slightly below the median line between happiness and sadness, or elation and despair. This person rarely slips into major depression, but stays comfortably numb in nearly all circumstances. They have found that staying comfortably numb is a safe place for them. When something fantastic happens, their response looks similar to when hardship or tragedy strikes. Life is a monotone, stages-of-grey, existence.
This is probably not unique to me, but I call it the Eeyore mentality. If you’re unfamiliar with Eeyore, he’s the donkey in the Winnie the Poor series who is constantly looking at the negative side of things with his one-pitch, deadpan voice. A. A. Milne, the author of Winnie the Pooh, wrote this interaction between Eeyore and Piglet:
“Oh, Eeyore, you are wet!” said Piglet, feeling him.
To which Eeyore explained, “… Piglet [it’s] what happened when you had been inside the river for a very long time.”
Eeyore-type people have been “wet” for a very long time, and many can’t remember the last time they were dry. When you have stayed in that proverbial river, you become soaked with discontentedness, and if you do not get dry and warm up, then being soaked and cold becomes your identity – that’s all you imagine feeling. But you can’t stay in the discomfort of being soaked and cold continuously so you have to become numb in an effort to deaden the pain – to not feel anymore, because “feeling” is more than you can bear.
There are a lot of people who have been in the river for a very long time. They no longer expect anything else but being cold, wet, hurt, abused, taken advantage of, or forgotten. The pain is necessarily gone because continuing to feel hurts too damn much, so they cope by shutting it off, by becoming comfortably numb.
When someone has adopted this way of coping, they effectively deaden themselves to discomfort, but they also deaden themselves to joy, excitement, happiness, and relationship. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brenè Brown said, “We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the negative emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” In other words, if we numb ourselves (to protect ourselves from pain, anxiety, and fear), we also deaden our ability to experience happiness, joy, excitement, and close relationship. She added, “…my understanding of darkness gives my search for light context and meaning.” Darkness and pain give substance and richness to happiness, joy, and light. If we protect ourselves by becoming numb in order to shut out the darkness (pain, anxiety, fear), it will also affect our ability to experience the light.
At our following meeting, the therapist updated the group. She reported that in their next session she asked her client what caused him fear and pain. He responded, “I’m numb to that, so I don’t feel those emotions.” She confessed that she “…felt like an idiot” because she should have anticipated that response, but she completely missed what progress often looks like with Eeyores: he’s consistently coming and consistently engaging when he doesn’t have to.
Sometimes in counseling, as in regular life, just continuing to come back is progress. They’re not yet ready to risk. They’ve been burned by relationship too many times and are not ready to be hurt again. Having someone who is patiently listening and feeling for them will likely be all they can manage early on. Eeyores are very short on trust and need connection that is non-judgmental, patient, and caring, because they likely have been overwhelmed with relationships that are hurtful, shaming, and life-sucking. What my therapist friend has been doing for the past six months is exactly what he needs – she’s been giving him a caring ear and an accepting relationship.
As it says in the Pink Floyd song, “There is no pain; You are receding; … The child is grown; the dream is gone; And I have become comfortably numb.” The pain is gone, but the real “you” is disappearing. As a child, they caught a “fleeting glimpse,” but they’re grown now and the belief the dream will return has dimmed, shrinking them so they are left feeling nothing – they have become comfortably numb.
If someone in your life is an Eeyore, be there for them. If you are an Eeyore, take small steps toward relationships and vulnerability, and consider counseling. In either case, don’t go in expecting immediate change, because that will likely turn them (or yourself) away; that’s what could push them (or you) to recede or pull back. The long term relationship of someone who is there – even in the midst of Eeyoreness – especially in the midst of Eeyoreness – is vital for moving toward feeling again. Slowly, ever so slowly, healing will come.
David Van Diest has his master's degree in counseling from Multnomah University and is an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) Intern in Gresham Oregon, a suburb of Portland. He focuses on counseling men (and women) through depression, addictions, trauma, anxiety, life transitions, men's issues, parenting & family, etc. To contact David, email him at davidvandiest@gmail.com, call 971.276.5675, or visit www.davidvandiest.com.
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