By David Van Diest
A number of years back a good friend of mine made this statement, “David, anger is a secondary emotion.” Even though it was nearly two decades ago, I still remember it.
At first, I thought he was saying that anger isn’t an important emotion or it’s not a real emotion, but that’s not what he was saying. He went on to explain that the emotion of anger is always preceded by another emotion which often goes unrecognized due to the overwhelming intensity and nature of anger. When someone is experiencing anger, they have first experienced another emotion, or combination of emotions, without realizing it.
While anger always follows another emotion, there are two main kinds of circumstances that lead to anger. The first is an unexpected, sudden, or potentially dangerous situation that results in anger. As an example, this type of situation happens frequently while driving. When someone cuts you off, causing you to slam on your breaks and swerve to avoid the swapping of paint colors of the other vehicle… or worse, injury or fiery death, anger is a common response.
What happened in that split second between being cut off and “releasing the bird” (the middle finger)? Prior to the anger there was another emotion, a primary emotion, which happened almost instantaneously and went unrecognized. Most often in this scenario the primary emotion is fear… fear of death, injury, calamity, etc. It happens so quickly most don’t recognize the initial emotion because the anger follows so quickly. The fight or flight mechanism in our brain engages when danger (fear) strikes. The signals to fight or to flee travel much faster than the signals to the prefrontal cortex (the reasoning portion of the brain). Bessel Van der Kolk in his book The Body Keeps the Score says, “Because the amygdala processes the information it received from the thalamus faster than the frontal lobes (prefrontal cortex) do, it decides whether incoming information is a threat to our survival even before we are consciously aware of danger. By the time we realize what is happening, our body may already be on the move” (p. 60, 61). Simply stated, your body reacts to the potential threat of another driver and anger is the result of that fight for survival.
In the second scenario the anger isn’t as instantaneous, and yet the primary emotion often goes unrecognized as well. In fact, the emotion of anger can be felt years or decades after the initial emotion or injuries take place. Like the first scenario, anger is a protective measure your brain feels is necessary to keep you safe… to keep you from being injured or hurt. (Side note: If you remain in anger, it will be the very thing that keeps you from healing.) This kind of anger can stay hidden for long periods and appear seemingly out of nowhere. The source of this anger is relational hurt, as opposed to physical danger. Early in life we develop a sense of identity by how others treat us and they respond to us and, ideally, we establish healthy and meaningful connections with others. But when those connections are the source of hurt or injury, anger often follows. When someone has been emotionally injured, numerous primary emotions can result. These emotions include shame, sadness, hurt (betrayal), fear, loneliness, unworthiness, and guilt. Left unrecognized these emotions often morph into anger.
It sounds as if I’m down on anger but I’m not. In fact, anger is a really good thing because it’s telling us something. It’s telling us there is something left unhealed or unattended.
It’s also revealing our innate understanding of our inherent worth and value… and that’s a really, really good thing. Why would anyone become angry when someone ignores them if they didn’t understand they deserve to be noticed or to occupy that space? Why would anger develop when they are hurt, sad, or ignored if they inherently didn’t believe they were worth something?
When someone expresses anger, that is a clarion call from their inner being of their recognition of worth and value. And that’s a fantastic thing!
The problem is, healing doesn’t happen in anger. Healing doesn’t happen until one can get to the source of that anger. Healing doesn’t happen until one can recognize the initial emotion and work at it from there. Until someone can ponder how the harm from others has influenced them toward anger, they will remain hurt and angry.
If you or someone you know struggles with anger, seek help. Often it takes a skilled therapist to help uncover the hidden sources of anger.
Keep in mind, anger isn’t the initial emotion. Spend time figuring out what is the primary emotion. It will be worth the effort.
David Van Diest has his master's degree in counseling from Multnomah University and is a Licensed Professional Counselor intern in Gresham Oregon, a suburb of Portland. He focuses on counseling men through addictions, anxiety, life transitions, men's issues, parenting & family, etc. To contact David, visit www.davidvandiest.com.
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